Just one day to go!

Tomorrow is my last treatment!! Sorry I haven't posted; just don't get much internet time with only one machine in the place.

Everything has gone very well and I can't wait to get home to my furbabies.

Thanks so much to everybody that has sent supportive messages! I hope when I get home that I can respond to everybody but if I don't get back to you please know that your blessings and good thoughts are very very much appreciated!

Still here...

Had my CT scan this morning. Found out that the doc wasn't sure when I had my surgery that I would be able to have Mammosite! But after the scan this morning they said everything will be fine!

We ate, we shopped a little, we read a lot. All is well. :)

Get this. This morning as I was washing my breakfast dishes, I turned around and saw a friend and ex-coworker fixing her breakfast. She's staying here too, getting radiation therapy. Small world. :)

Out of surgery!

I am in B-ham, out of surgery, sitting at Panera with the laptop, doped out of my head and enjoying a fabulous sandwich with my DH.

Just checkin in...cant type much...laptop and fingers not getting along! LOL

Surgery went well...Hope Lodge is FABULOUS...love to you if you're readint this

~A

The Hope Lodge

Great news! The Hope Lodge in Birmingham called my nurse to say they've had a cancellation, and they have a room for us! That means free accomodations while I'm in Birmingham. It's run by the American Cancer Society and is similar to a Ronald McDonald House, for adult cancer patients. We'll share a common kitchen, library, TV room etc., but that shouldn't be too bad and I *think* there's some sort of internet access, so I should be able to stay in communication.

I hate my dog.

Hate. HATE. HATE HER. She refuses to understand that it is not OK to shit on the floor. She tries to sneak...by going BEHIND things which lets me know that she KNOWS it's not OK to shit on the carpet. I hate her. Every day I plot her demise. If I could only think of some way for Freia to kill her, both of our lives would be complete. I am so sick, sick, sick of taking that dog outside and waiting while she sniffs every blade of grass in the yard for 15 minutes before she "goes", then having her come back inside and 5 minutes later, shitting AGAIN on the fucking floor!

Of course I'm attached to her. I feel an obligation to her. I signed on to be her owner, and she's completely imprinted on me as her mommie. She could never survive anywhere else. When we go out of town and she stays with our vet (a wonderful man with a wonderful wife who both give her lots of TLC) she refuses to eat until I get back. Maybe she'll be dead when we get back from B-ham. Aaaaaaaaugh!!

It's getting really old, I know, that all I seem to do on this blog is vent. I really should mention some of the good things that are going on in my life. Like the fact that I will be completely cancer-free and finished with all my treatments in 2 weeks. That's a REALLY good thing.

Another good thing - I'm going to have some great quality time to read while I'm away, and I have 5 Terry Pratchett novels waiting for me. I've never read Pratchett, and I'm a fanatic about DNA (RIP).

Another good thing - my car is fixed and tuned and rotated and ready to go.

Life is good. :)

The girl with Kaleidoscope eyes

Lucy Richardson, the woman who, as a child inspired the drawing by Julian Lennon that inspired the song, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, has died of breast cancer at the age of 47.

I wanted to watch TV today but couldn't figure out how to turn up the volume. I don't watch TV much. I think it is chewing gum for the eyes. But after a 5-hour crying jag today I felt like I needed to veg.

I ate a McDonalds cheeseburger and their Fruit and Walnut salad. Not the greatest fruit salad on earth, but I give them props for trying.

I wrote to an old friend, the dearest girl friend of my youth, to try and heal some wounds. But they are my wounds and I have to live with them. She is now completely out of my league intellectually (well, she really always was) and so very far away on this planet.

My cat has lain in the same spot all day, next to my chair, all soft fluffy and white and unconditional.

I have so much to do, to prepare for my long trip to the hospital next week, but I can't seem to focus. There is much laundry to be done. I have to find some engaging things to read, for all those hours I'll be sitting, having my breast cooked from the inside.

I found a pack of cigarettes, and smoked one. It didn't feel like part of me. Maybe, finally, I am no longer a smoker. It's been almost a year since I quit. I'm so thankful for that, and thankful that I didn't like smoking today. I could have been in grave danger of picking up that habit again.

I relish the time I've had today, alone. It's been awhile since I have had any time to myself. That probably explains the crying jag, more than Lucy. It's just been way overdue. And if I cry with my husband around he is convinced, either that it's all about him, or that it's his job to make me stop. This morning before he left he begged me to take a Xanax. He just didn't get it; I wanted to keep my feelings intact, whatever they are.

I don't know why I write here. There are only approximately two people on the planet who read this blog with any regularity (Edith and Stacey...thank you both for being there). It's pretty good therapy to write my thoughts, and without the public nature of it, I doubt that I would ever commit them to words.

Slight kick to the head...

We really thought that we would be getting free accomodations during my cancer treatments, but apparently the center (similar to the Ronald McDonald House, but for adult cancer patients) is full!! That means we are going to have to pay for a week and a half's worth of hotel bills. I'm starting to wish I had just stuck with the old fashioned 8-week daily radiation treatments here at home. Even if we can find a dirt-cheap fleabag hotel, that's about $500, including the fleas.

There's always a chance that they will have a cancellation. I'm trying real hard to think positive thoughts here. It's not like we can't come up with the money; we can run the credit cards up just a little further. I know I'm so, so lucky that we can at least do that; some people couldn't swing it under any circumstances. And this is way worth it. :)

Well, so much for fiddlin'.

Carpal tunnel syndrome. Just what I needed when I was just starting to get comfy on the violin again. I'm pretty sure that's what caused it. I was at work when I started noticing that my fingers weren't responding when I told them to move. I kind of panicked; thought I was having a stroke or losing the feeling in all my extremities (my feet and legs are already electric numb). Nope. Just carpal tunnel syndrome, which was a relief BUT I can't play my violin for at least 2 weeks and after that who knows if I'll ever be able to play without setting off the carpal tunnel. Well, who said life was fair? LOL

Finally, a pig-free day.

I can't call it a 100% day, because I don't remember eating any fruit except for the blueberries in my salad, but at least I didn't devour anything as disgusting as yesterday's Fried Buffalo Chicken Wontons. They were truly nasty, from Ruby Tuesdays. I never thought any food with the name Buffalo in the title could possibly be that bad. I actually couldn't eat it. But I made up for it by making a huge dent in one of their Strawberry Tallcakes, and downing a chocolate martini.

Today I came to the realization that it's either stay 100%, or fork out the dough for a new wardrobe. Nothing, except for the few new pieces I bought last month, fits me. This is a wake up call. I gave away all of my fat clothes and I don't intend to find myself needing to replace them all. I refuse to return to the land of 5X.

Also had a sliver of birthday cake yesterday, but that's ritual food and doesn't count. My grandson Jacob was one year old this week, and got his first haircut. Now he looks like such a BOY.



He had a great time with Papa's balloon animals...


And then received his first training in socially approved gluttony...


It was a blast, 10 kids there but only very minimal crying and whining.

Violins

So the best thing that came out of this weekend is, I learned how to keep my fiddle in tune, and I've been practicing. It's a crappy fiddle, and I really want a better one but that ain't happening. So I'm learning to force this one to work. I really love playing, and I'm better at it than any instrument I've ever tried to play. I am competent on guitar, and I enjoy it. But I seem to be picking up the violin a little easier than I have anything else. Of course if you heard it at this stage, you would run screaming and wonder what the hell I'm bragging about. But for me, it's good progress. ;)

My eating is still out of control, but the binge is slowing down, I think. I keep trying to figure out why I'm so ravenous all the time. Maybe subconsciously I'm afraid of dying and I know people with cancer stop eating. And to add insult to injury, I have a co-worker who is all up my ass about how I don't need to be doing NS right now. Or I'm just a fat pig who loves to eat. That's possible too. I know I probably don't need to be practicing my Psych 101 diagnostics on myself right now. What I have chosen to do is to NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. But hanging out on a weight loss chat forum has become a completely ingrained habit, and that may not be the best place for me right now. I just can't stay away. My fingers click the links when I don't know....ok now I'm paraphrasing the Miracle Worker. I gotta get a grip.

Anne Bancroft is dead. One of the greatest actors of our time has left the building. I fucking hate cancer. She was 73, happily married and still drop dead gorgeous when the biggest goddamn C on earth came and shut her down. I'm pretty pissed about that today. She should have had at least 20 more years. So should my mother when renal cell took her 2 years ago this Sunday.

Bluff Creek

I spent the weekend in the middle of the woods, at a bluegrass festival, in a really gorgeous area of the world called Bluff Creek. The music was, well, not so gorgeous but it had its moments. I was keenly aware of being in the DEEP south. I saw not one single individual with even a dark tan...just lots and lots of white folks with heavy heavy country accents. I sat in a circle of pickers and grinners and sang "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry". It was a bit surreal.


I did see the doc in B-ham on Friday and they are getting things arranged for me to have the procedure I wanted! I am anxiously awaiting their telephone call this morning.

I'm off to B-ham!!

I'm going to speak to a doc at Brookwood who reviewed my case and wants to discuss partial breast radiation! He's leaving for vacation next week so he wanted to see me tomrorrow. So I'm driving down in the morning. Mike has to work, but as luck would have it, my sister is in town and she's going to ride with me.

This rocks.

Well, looks like I have the wrong sort of cancer...

My radiation doc spoke to a specialist in B-ham today. She doesn't think I'll be a good candidate for Mammosite because my cancer is too aggressive. In case you know stuff about b.c., to be more specific my DCIS has a comedo histology. Comedo. What a word to use to describe aggressive cancer. Why not tragedio?? Doctors are such a riot.

I'm getting a second opinion, but after doing some further reading, it looks like that's the popular take on it and I'll be surprised if the other doc says anything different. So it's back to the idea of 8 weeks of radiation. I wouldn't mind so much if the receptionist at that place hadn't been such an arrogant, rude-ass bitch to me today. What an absolute horror of a woman. She looks like a walking corpse too, which is a great sight to see when you come in for a cancer treatment. OK, I shouldn't have said that even though it's true, but it was unbelievable to me how rude she was to me for no reason whatsoever other than apparently she was having a bad day. She is in the wrong line of work.

Apparently I ate something today that didn't agree with me. I am sick as a dog and it's irritating as hell, because today I was 100% NS all the way down the line. Oh, well. My body is probably still trying to process all that pizza.