Gluttony v. Simplicity, how I kill the beauty...
I want to be here.
Instead my surroundings, my soul, my mind, my body is clogged with absolute crap. I had the chance to spend some time with my granddaughter this weekend, and it was beautiful, being with her. Yet, I took that gorgeous experience and parlayed it into an excuse to fucking binge on nasty pizza. Bacon, eggs, southern style biscuits. Popcorn. OK, I don't feel so guilty about the popcorn. It was unbuttered, I was at the movies with my granddaughter and dammit, the popcorn was beautiful. But the pizza was ugly. Eating three biscuits, four slices of bacon, and three eggs was ugly. I could have eaten half a biscuit, two slices of bacon and two eggs and breakfast would have been beautiful. Why do I have to sabotage the beauty??
What am I looking for in those eggs? One bite tastes as good as twenty. What will happen if I get enough bites? There are never enough bites. I finish breakfast, not because I have had enough, but because I will be sick if I eat more. I want more. I always want more. There has never been enough. Why?? Where am I trying to go? Is it suicidal tendencies? There were never enough cigarettes either. What I wouldn't give for one right now. Am I just done here on the earth?? Is it some kind of attempt to throw myself into a cardiac arrest just to be done with things? Do I think that my pleasure will catapult me into another sort of reality where there's no pain? What the hell am I thinking??? Or am I thinking at all? Probably not. I'm probably just a gluttonous hedonist, who enjoys the sensation of eating. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's it.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? I beg to differ. A light fluffy biscuit, sliced in half and buttered, with thin slices of tomato and bacon in between the halves tastes like a slice of pure heaven. Being thin feels ... oh hell, I have no idea how thin feels. I have never been thin. At 115 pounds, 5 feet 6 inches tall, I thought I was fat. No woman has ever known how thin feels.
But I imagine that it feels, unencumbered. Simple. Functional.
Instead my surroundings, my soul, my mind, my body is clogged with absolute crap. I had the chance to spend some time with my granddaughter this weekend, and it was beautiful, being with her. Yet, I took that gorgeous experience and parlayed it into an excuse to fucking binge on nasty pizza. Bacon, eggs, southern style biscuits. Popcorn. OK, I don't feel so guilty about the popcorn. It was unbuttered, I was at the movies with my granddaughter and dammit, the popcorn was beautiful. But the pizza was ugly. Eating three biscuits, four slices of bacon, and three eggs was ugly. I could have eaten half a biscuit, two slices of bacon and two eggs and breakfast would have been beautiful. Why do I have to sabotage the beauty??
What am I looking for in those eggs? One bite tastes as good as twenty. What will happen if I get enough bites? There are never enough bites. I finish breakfast, not because I have had enough, but because I will be sick if I eat more. I want more. I always want more. There has never been enough. Why?? Where am I trying to go? Is it suicidal tendencies? There were never enough cigarettes either. What I wouldn't give for one right now. Am I just done here on the earth?? Is it some kind of attempt to throw myself into a cardiac arrest just to be done with things? Do I think that my pleasure will catapult me into another sort of reality where there's no pain? What the hell am I thinking??? Or am I thinking at all? Probably not. I'm probably just a gluttonous hedonist, who enjoys the sensation of eating. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's it.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? I beg to differ. A light fluffy biscuit, sliced in half and buttered, with thin slices of tomato and bacon in between the halves tastes like a slice of pure heaven. Being thin feels ... oh hell, I have no idea how thin feels. I have never been thin. At 115 pounds, 5 feet 6 inches tall, I thought I was fat. No woman has ever known how thin feels.
But I imagine that it feels, unencumbered. Simple. Functional.
posted by Anna at 5:57 PM
1 Comments:
I know what you are feeling. I just had to get my gluttonish self up and go for aa 2nd plate. The food wasn't that good but I felt cheated. I am proud to say the portons were small both times but the uncontrollable need for seconds of my mother in laws horrible red sauce? Why?
By the way, I am having a new website designed and I am moving to a new webhosting service as soon as it is done. I am paying for the premium plan through angelfire and yet I am still SO over my bandwidth and I don't know why! I am trying to decide between http://www.polardesign.com/index.html
and http://www.blogmoxie.com/
of course the polar design people are more expensive but OMG look at their pervious work
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