Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Gluttony v. Simplicity, how I kill the beauty...

I want to be here.

Instead my surroundings, my soul, my mind, my body is clogged with absolute crap. I had the chance to spend some time with my granddaughter this weekend, and it was beautiful, being with her. Yet, I took that gorgeous experience and parlayed it into an excuse to fucking binge on nasty pizza. Bacon, eggs, southern style biscuits. Popcorn. OK, I don't feel so guilty about the popcorn. It was unbuttered, I was at the movies with my granddaughter and dammit, the popcorn was beautiful. But the pizza was ugly. Eating three biscuits, four slices of bacon, and three eggs was ugly. I could have eaten half a biscuit, two slices of bacon and two eggs and breakfast would have been beautiful. Why do I have to sabotage the beauty??

What am I looking for in those eggs? One bite tastes as good as twenty. What will happen if I get enough bites? There are never enough bites. I finish breakfast, not because I have had enough, but because I will be sick if I eat more. I want more. I always want more. There has never been enough. Why?? Where am I trying to go? Is it suicidal tendencies? There were never enough cigarettes either. What I wouldn't give for one right now. Am I just done here on the earth?? Is it some kind of attempt to throw myself into a cardiac arrest just to be done with things? Do I think that my pleasure will catapult me into another sort of reality where there's no pain? What the hell am I thinking??? Or am I thinking at all? Probably not. I'm probably just a gluttonous hedonist, who enjoys the sensation of eating. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? I beg to differ. A light fluffy biscuit, sliced in half and buttered, with thin slices of tomato and bacon in between the halves tastes like a slice of pure heaven. Being thin feels ... oh hell, I have no idea how thin feels. I have never been thin. At 115 pounds, 5 feet 6 inches tall, I thought I was fat. No woman has ever known how thin feels.

But I imagine that it feels, unencumbered. Simple. Functional.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

A sleep-over!!

My granddaughter spent the night with us for the first time last night. About time; the child is 3 and a half! We had a blast! We went to the cinema and saw Madagascar (cute, but nothing much to see here folks), which was her very first time to go to the movies. She only had to go pee twice. She's so little that the seat kept trying to swallow her alive, but she sat in our laps and did fine. We came home and crashed out on the sofa. This morning I got up and made breakfast. Anyone who knows me is saying WTF at this point ( I. don't. cook.) Yep, biscuits, bacon and eggs, the whole nine. She played with the jelly and then asked for some leftover pizza. :::sigh::: I asked her what she usually ate for breakfast and I swear to you, the child said, "Candy.". I wouldn't be too surprised.

We did some yoga, we played Monsters Inc. on the LeapPad, we played with rocks in the yard, we rubbed Freia the wrong way but we managed not to get bitten. It was fabulous.

After she left, the rum started to flow and the day deteriorated from there.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Mammosite catheter placement

Sounds horrendous, doesn't it? But it seems like a miracle to me!!! I had never heard of this. My doctor sure didn't tell me about it. But apparently there is a new form of breast cancer radiation treatment that targets only the part of the breast that's affected! They insert a saline-filled balloon and inject the radiation somehow. So, your skin doesn't get burned and you don't have the cosmetic problem of having a sunburn that changes your skin color in that area for up to a few years! But the best part is that instead of getting daily treatments for 7-8 weeks, you get 2 treatments a day for 5 days, and that's it! I would have to travel to some place where they do this, but I can just take a week off and be done with it.

Now, as fate would have it, my surgeon has just started a 2-week vacation, so I won't be able to ask him about it before my first appointment with the regular radiation oncologist here. So if I'm a candidate for this, I'll have to get my referral from the guy whose services I'll be blowing off in order to get this new treatment. So that's kind of uncomfortable and I'm worried that he will tell me I can't do it just so I will stay here and get treated by him. I don't have any reason to believe he's unethical; I just tend to worry about stuff like that.

But if he tells me no, I will figure out some way to get a second opinion.

OK, I'm the worst friend on earth.

Remember Mel? My friend who lost her legs the day after my surgery? Well, it turns out she didn't lose them after all! They went in to amputate, cut the achilles tendon to release her feet and she regained the use of them! She can actually stand up now, which she hasn't been able to do in almost a year! She still may lose her left foot because there is an infection there still, but losing one seems so much better than losing both!! This is so mind-blowingly awesome!!

Why didn't I know this?? Because I took some underling nurse's aide at her word when she said Mel could have no visitors. I tried to call her room a few days later and just heard the phone picked up and some serious unpleasantness on the other side, so I just stepped back and waited to hear something. A week later I call back and find out she still has both her legs! I can't believe I just wimped out like that. Now granted, I was recovering from surgery myself but I'm pretty pissed off at me right now.

I went to see her after this, and did a Reiki session with her, and it was pretty amazing so maybe I've redeemed myself at least partially. ;)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I am in big trouble with my yoga instructor. (grin)

She is a tiny little yoga nazi with a thick Honduran accent and no recognizable sense of humor. She is a kind person, don't get me wrong. But she thinks yoga is the beginning, center, and end of the universe. When someone started offering Ki Gong classes at the Y where she teaches, she was very quick to say that yoga was much, much older than Ki Gong. When a student asked her about her certification once, she went into a tirade about people thinking they could be "certified" to teach yoga when it was clearly a hereditary discipline (!!!) and she learned from her mother, who learned from her father, etc.

Well, apparently she ran into an old friend of mine last weekend at the library where he works. Somehow the conversation turned to me, and somehow he was inspired to tell her all about how I had told him that Ki Gong had saved my life by leading me to my breast cancer diagnosis. She gave me a look last night that could freeze fire while she was telling me about running into him. All she said was "He TOLD me what you said." Then later on in last night's class, she began to lecture to everyone about remembering that YOGA was actually a health maintenance system, and can be used to diagnose problems in our bodies. I actually managed NOT to burst out laughing. Poor Martha. It just threw her universe all a-kilter to think that I had attributed my diagnosis to something besides YOGA.

My friend, by the way, who is a jokester from birth, on the day that I told him I had breast cancer, and about how I found it, said as we signed off the phone, "I want pictures, you know!". I said, "Pictures?? Of what???". "Of King Kong saving your life!". God, I love him.

Monday, May 23, 2005

The kitty died. :(

Sierra's kitten (pictured below) died today. So sad. Her first brush with death; she thought it would come to life if she petted it enough.

That's all I have today. Time to hit the hay if I'm going to make my Ki Gong class at 6 a.m.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I have to go back to work tomorrow. You would think I would be glad, being able to go to back to work and all, but it just reminds me of how much of my life I am wasting on a job that pays about the same as a McDonalds fry cook. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if McDonalds now pays more than I make.

I'm an educated woman. Salutatorian of my high school, graduated from university summa cum laude. How did I get sucked into this job and why the hell didn't I extract myself from it before I got too old to be hired anywhere else? Because I have no idea how to assert myself, that's why. I do what I'm told, go where I'm told and that's that.

Last night after a search that has lasted 3 years, I found the perfect purse at a department store in the mall. I couldn't afford to buy it.

I'm so furious with myself I could drink poison.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Sponge Bob Square Boobie

OK, I wasn't going to mention this because I thought - hoped - prayed that this was a temporary phenomenon, but it appears my right breast might be permanently SQUARE. You wouldn't notice it so much viewing it from straight on, but when I lean forward, it is quite obvious that my left one is ROUND, as it should be, but my right one is SQUARE, an unnatural and unnerving condition brought on by a combination of the missing tissue and the location of the scar.

Mike claims to find it beautiful, but he is also the one who came up with the name, Sponge Bob Square Boobie, which he has sincerely promised never to call it again.

:::sigh:::

Friday, May 20, 2005

A better day

I had a visit from my grandkids today, and that always makes things better. Sierra has fallen in love with a kitten who is far too young to be separated from her mother. The mother cat will have nothing to do with her kittens and all have died but this one. Sierra however, also now refuses to hold and feed the kitten because it has "doodoo on it's butt". It also has a purrbox 10 times bigger than itself.


We have now hired my daughter-in-law to clean our house because we are both too busy reading and surfing to bother with that sort of thing. I am also using the I-just-had-surgery excuse. We can't afford it. Oh, well.

Had dinner with my dance troupe, the Nomads, minus Amira who had family obligations. Shamaron just lost her husband to a sudden heart attack and it was so good to see how well she is coping. She has an unshakable faith bolstered by a strong graveside vision. She never ceases to amaze me. We'll start belly dance rehearsals again in June, assuming that my radiation treatments don't keep me too exhausted.

I completely went berserk at dinner. You don't even wanna know what I ate, or drank. Maybe when I get back to work on Monday and get back into some semblance of a routine, I'll do better. Obviously I am not too determined right now. I'm just glad to be alive. I got back in the pool this morning for the first time since my first surgery, and I literally cried for joy when I climbed in the deep well and felt the water supporting and caressing me.

Still no word from Mel...no visitors, and she hangs up when I try to call. I did hear her voice though I'm sure she never listened to see who was on the phone, so I know she made it through the surgery, physically at least. I can't begin to imagine the horror she's expected to face. She tried so hard to keep this from happening. She's been in the hospital for close to a year. Finally they told her that death was coming soon if they didn't amputate. No, I can't imagine.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Mel

The first time I ever saw her, she took my breath away. It was Christmastime, and my store was participating in the downtown open house. She walked in wearing an elegant long black coat, with a small black dog on a rhinestone leash. She's about my age, with natural red hair, a lithe figure and beautiful eyes. I am terminally shy, so I was thrilled when she spoke to me. We clicked immediately and became dear friends. She is one of those people who has all kinds of esoteric knowledge about anything you might ask her about. She's an expert gardener and theatrical designer. She spent several years in Malaysia and has a million stories about her life there with her ex-husband and his family. I introduced her later to one of my oldest and dearest friends and they've been married for over a year now. She is an expert Salsa dancer, and used to dance sometimes while stomping grapes in wine vats. She is a diabetic, and on Thursday they cut off both her legs.

I can't stand this.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Wow! Is it Monday already?

I've spent the last several days in a drug-induced stupor, which wasn't nearly as fun as it sounds when you factor in the pain, the itching, the mind-numbing boredom of lying flat on your back, and the frustration on not being able to DO ANYTHING. I couldn't even read because my mind couldn't focus well enough. So far today, no pain pills. We'll see how that goes. I still can't bend over, which means no laundry, no changing the dog's puppy pad (OMG I can't wait til Mike wakes up and takes care of that one this morning), no picking up after said dog (she loves to find bits of paper towel and rip it into tiny bits).

I did watch a few movies; The Life Aquatic with Bill Murray, the only really awesome part being Seu Jorge's incredible Brazilian jazz guitar renderings of various David Bowie songs. I am going to have to have the soundtrack just for those. And it was visually stunning. But not very funny after all. We saw Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, which was no more than mildly entertaining, and Melvin Goes to Dinner, a really very powerful snapshot of life that I will probably have to watch again.

Some of those reviews may be slanted by the Lorcet/Xanax/Neurontin woven haze through which I viewed them.

I saw some amateurish attempts at drama on the NS board last night and all I gotta say is those people got a long way to go to match some of the spectacles I've seen played out on that board. Weak. Very weak. But I suppose that's a good thing. No good can come from any of it, really, beyond its pure entertainment value. Again, my review may be skewed by my state of mind.

I'm off to see whether Mike has reached consciousness and whether it will be worth my while to lie on my back in the bed some more, or if I should hook up the laptop and prop myself up on the couch.

Monday, May 09, 2005

5 1/2 pounds this week!

Well, it sure helps to stay on program. My scale showed a 5.5 pound loss this week! I'm on my way down again!

In other good news, my surgeon said he saw no problem with me continuing on NS through radiation, but that he did want me to ask my radiation oncologist to be sure. But if he didn't see any problem with it I really doubt that the other guy will. Woohoo!! Onward and Downward!

In some not so good news, the husband of one of my fellow Nomads (my bellydance troupe) died of an apparent heart attack on Saturday night. Here today, gone tomorrow. I gave my DH an extra hug today. Wayne was 59. :(

Sunday, May 08, 2005

6 days at 100%

Wow. It's been a long time since I've had a 100% streak like this. The really amazing thing is, it's Sunday night and I have survived an entire weekend without going off program. It feels good.

NS Chicken Marsala sucks, though. I don't know what that stuff was, but it wasn't chicken. It was very tender, but not chicken. Not very much flavor either. Quite a disappointment. Now I'm really scared to try the Basil Chicken. I was really hoping that NS had figured the chicken thing out. Oh, well. Back to the tons of entrees that I do like.

I had some awesome Reiki done today. I left there so relaxed I just poured myself into the car. One of the practitioners had a vision while they were working on me, of a white rose, withering, dying, coming back to life and multiplying. He asked if that image meant anything to me. In the church where I grew up, on Mothers Day you would wear a red flower if your mother was alive, and a white one if she was dead. I had been thinking about that all day. This is my second Mother's Day since I lost her.

My incision feels much, much better. I feel confident about the surgery now. I'm really glad they're going to put me all the way under, too. They just used that "twilight sleep" stuff the last time, and that was too weird, remembering the surgery. I don't want to know a thing about it.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I'm actually on this program!!

I've been a backslider for so long that I forgot how great it felt to actually be on this program! I'm not hungry! I'm not dying for a Cheeto! I've been back on it since Monday and I just can't believe I've wasted so much time. Of course, I had a blast with my Buffaloe Chicken Fingers and my Number Nine Mexican Dinner but right now the thought of either one kind of turns my stomach.

I'm having some issues with my incision from the biopsy and I hope it isn't infected. I was running a fever this morning, and that was kind of scary. I'm headed for my pre-op so they can take a look at it and make sure I'll be ready for surgery on Wednesday.

I just pray my doctor doesn't tell me I can't do NS. I have some folks on my case making me promise to ask him about it. I think it's a balanced, healthy diet with enough calories and nutrients to keep in fine shape through the radiation. And he hasn't mentioned anything about nutrition. I really don't even want to ask him about it but I guess I should. If I have to postpone it for another few months, so be it. I've postponed it for a year already. :::sigh::: And I still have another month to go before radiation starts, so at least I can shed a few pounds before then. They say it takes away your appetite. I would think the NS program would be ideal because I will have to eat everything on the plan and I'll be making sure I get a good balanced diet. The thing is, most doctors have never heard of NS. Maybe I should bring him the Nourish book, ask him to read it and THEN decide. LOL

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A victory

I had a great visit with the doctor last night. He answered a lot of my questions, and solved a major dilemna for me. I've been very nervous about taking the hormone drug Tamoxifen for five years. It has been linked to an increased chance of uterine cancer. The warning sign for that type of cancer is irregular periods. Well, irregular is all I have ever known since I was 12; just no way to predict frequency, duration, flow, nuthin. And to add gross insult to injury, it destroys your singing voice. It's a male hormone and your voice gets lower and the character of your voice changes. I'm a singer, and that's just nightmarish to me.

I shared my concerns with Dr. Marchman and he told me that I could choose not to take the Tamoxifen, and he thought that would be just fine. It's not a cancer treatment; it's a preventative. I think clean living and mammograms every 6 months will do just fine. I'm so thrilled that I don't have to take that poison!

The radiation will suck. It will be like my right boob has its own little suntan bed permanently attached for about 7 weeks. I'll have a sunburn, and I'll feel that sunburn fatigue. Maybe it will decrease my appetite! :)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

To answer your question, Jenn...

Today an NS member queried:
"...isn't it funny how when you have a bunch of weight to lose, and you lose some of it and feel thin, you think you can get away with wearing stuff that is just WRONG?"

Answer, yes.



But if you could have seen some the other plus size ladies' outfits (or lack thereof) at this little shindig, you would think I look absolutely tasteful. The whole thing was indeed, wrong. Horribly, irretrievably wrong. I had a blast.
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